can you have romance without friendship?

How do you know when to toss somebody from your life and move on?

I suppose just asking the question begs the answer:  Now! “If you have to ask…” And in the case of my most recent girlfriend, it’s pretty much moot, since I’ve already been tossed out like so much excess plastic packaging. Nevertheless, I’m still interested in the question from a more general perspective – let’s say, for future benefit.

For the most part, I’ve remained frinds with the women I’ve dated, as well as – perhaps especially – my ex-wife. This tends to hold more true for those with whom I developed a friendship before dating them, or for those with whom the relationship developed more slowly, giving time for the friendship to build before we became intimate (with exceptions on both sides of this general tendency, of course).

But in a few cases, once the romance was ruled out, the friendship disappeared, or the other person decided it was untenable (or simply undesirable) and cut ties. This I find both hurtful and confusing. If you love someone, doesn’t this mean that you have a continuing interest in his or her welfare? Assuming neither party did anything deceitful or cruel to the other, wouldn’t some level of caring and friendship persist once the one element that you know won’t work (romance) is ruled out?

It begs the question:  can you have romance without friendship?

To me the answer is no. There is no love without friendship, and without love, there is no romance. Without friendship, all that is left of romance is flirtation and infatuation. How can two people become partners – or plan to, or dream of it – if they are not, at base, close friends? My parents have been married 55 years as of next week (wow!). Remarkably, they still have romance, infatuation, and a craving to be together. More evident, though, is that they are best friends, and have been for all 55 years they’ve been together.

Of course, friendship guarantees nothing – not even that a couple will remain friends (or, of course, that two mutually attracted friends will ever be more than friends… sigh… yes, I cam thinking of someone in particular here!). Things happen, circumstances change, feelings subside, focus shifts. A new romance comes into play and the old flame represents a threat to the new, or simply takes a back seat to the pressures of time, schedule conflicts, or physical absence.

But to actively choose to exclude someone from your life who just a short time ago was the one around whom your whole life was organized, and with whom you made plans for the future, is a whole different matter. Is it healthy? Unhealthy? Or just necessity?

And I have to ask myself:  how much would I desire an ongoing friendship with such a person, knowing what I know now?

Probably, not much.